facebook envy, strange sayings of my mother, and other strange sayings

Recently, I've been thoughtful about the subject of my conversations (and things I post on facebook).

"So I hear you're going to Puerto Rico?"
"I love eating at Boogaloo . . ."

Much of it's small talk that casually breaks the ice.  But too often I find that conversation doesn't go further than this.  Moreover, at parties and other gatherings, I find myself instinctively drawn to the glamorous gravity of those with status and of the people who have much experience and expertise about these kinds of excursions.  And at the end of such vain-glorious encounters, I am envious of others' pleasures and proud of my own (just amused myself, vainly, in the string of 'e'-words).

"Be careful--as you move up in the world you will become more and more distant from ordinary people and from the poor," my mom says.  "But as a reed grows taller, it knows to stoop its head lower."

More and more I am getting used to black-tie affairs, to feeling entitled to nice vacations, and to being fluent amongst rich friends.  

But more than ever, I am unhappy.  

Despite the fact that I have more than ever in my life, I am less content--I'm envious of my classmates who matched into residency at more exciting locations than St. Louis (poor me), and I feel all the more disgusted by the morbidly obese people driving through McDonald's and even depressed by their prevalence in Missouri.  Even when I do the things that I know to be good--like looking for people at the party who have no one to talk to and then talking to them rather than the 'vain-glorious' people (that's a King James word, so nice)--though I may feel good about what I'm doing, even then I only get a glimpse of happiness.  

So I am unhappy, and I'm far from actually caring, actually wanting to be there amongst the poor, amongst the sickly, the uninteresting, the fat and ugly.  And envy colors my view of others and what I want from them.

It's come far for me to taste disappointment via so many shallow encounters and then to know much discontentment via continual envy-- to arrive where I feel shamed and small again, to discover again that I can be happy to have a meal, happy to have a home, and happy to have friends.

Then the strangest saying comes to mind:

Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.

This is more fact than promise.

YHWH is near to the brokenhearted 
and saves the crushed in spirit.

How strangely true this is.  It's not mere disillusionment and defeat that brings me back to such a humble place.  There is an inescapable reality that the fullest of joys is felt in response to the good that is common and even known to children.  And there is no happier place than a place where humility allows me to be grateful for whatever I have and be happy for other people for their joys and achievements.  Knowing this, or even those--or the One--who have gone before me with this joy, I want to remain small, to be poor, and then to give away, to suffer hunger and to mourn with those who are suffering already.  That is joy, life that is life indeed.

"We are small people," Jenn reminds me.  This is my happiest thought.



notes:

-on 'facebook envy', see:  cnet news article and cbs video

-the Hebrew expressions brokenhearted and crushed in spirit refer to the pride and stubbornness in one's heart being humbled.  see psalm 34:18

-'small people.'  see Deut 7:7